Small Talk Isn’t Small

We need to start small. For many, small talk feels like a nightmare filled with surface-level exchanges about the weather or last night’s game. But small talk isn’t filler; it’s a doorway.

Imagine every person as a house with many rooms. Some rooms hold memories; others contain dreams, passions, or fears. The walls are painted in the colors of their experiences. But before stepping into any of these rooms, you must get through the front door.

That’s where small talk comes in. It’s the first key, a way to unlock connection. A leader who asks, “How’s your day going?” and hears a halfhearted “Fine” can stop and ask, “What’s on your mind?” That second question signals genuine care, differentiating a leader from everyone else.

People don’t just want to be talked to; they want to be known.

People don’t just want to be talked to; they want to be known. Jesus demonstrated this constantly. He sought out the overlooked, the outcast, and the weary and asked questions that restored dignity and inviting relationships. A great example was Jesus’ encounter with the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4:7-30). He invited her into transformation by engaging her story with questions rather than simply teaching.

Small talk doesn’t have to be mundane. Instead of asking, “How’s your day going?” ask, “What’s one thing that always makes your day better?” These questions invite depth and open the door for real conversation and connection.

The Cost of Isolation

What happens when connection is missing?

Bruce Alexander’s 1978 “Rat Park” experiment illustrates this powerfully. In earlier studies, isolated rats were given access to drug-laced water and became addicted, often overdosing. However, the results changed when Alexander created an extensive social environment filled with stimulation. The connected rats ignored the drug-laced water, while the isolated ones remained addicted.

The takeaway? Isolation fuels destructive habits, while connection fosters resilience. When people feel disconnected, whether in life or at work, they struggle to stay engaged. Leadership that prioritizes connection strengthens teams and builds individuals' resilience.

Connection is the Catalyst

So, how do you lead with questions?

It’s not about having a perfect script. It’s about adopting a posture of curiosity and care. Leadership isn’t just about what you know but how well you connect.

Great questions communicate to people that they matter and are valuable. Think about the last time someone asked you a question that made you pause, reflect, or feel seen. Those moments stick with us because they remind us that we belong.

• Want to inspire innovation? Ask, “What’s a wild idea we haven’t explored yet?”
• Want to build trust? Ask, “What’s one thing I can do to support you better?”
• Want to cultivate engagement? Ask, “What part of your work brings you the most meaning?”

Jesus did this constantly. His questions weren’t random; they were transformative. He didn’t just preach but drew people in. He understood that truth isn’t just taught; it’s discovered. If Jesus, the greatest leader of all time, led with questions, shouldn’t we?

Practical Ways to Ask Better Questions

To help you apply this, here are a few simple ways to ask better questions that cultivate connection, discovery, and innovation:

1. Use open-ended questions. Instead of “Did you like it?” try “What stood out to you the most?”
2. Invite personal reflection. Instead of “How’s your job going?” try to ask, “What part of your work do you find most fulfilling?”
3. Encourage forward-thinking. Instead of “What’s the problem?” ask, “What possibilities do you see?”
4. Make it specific. Instead of “How can I help?” try “What’s one small way I can support you this week?”

So, here’s my challenge to you: What’s one question you can ask today that will open a door for someone else? When we ask the right questions, we don’t just lead; we build connection, which changes everything. Now, go start a conversation that matters.

###

Andrew Earnshaw is the Senior Director of Ministry Engagement at Bible League International. He also consults leaders on engaging employees through organizational storytelling. For more information, visit Yourstorylab.org.

 Learn more about Outcomes magazine.